blah blah blah

I will sometimes get in the mindset of where I don't want to leave my house
not want to get my ass out of a folding chair I found while wandering around.
..But sometimes the one part of me wins; and just leaves.
With stuff i might need but wont end up using
or
without stuff that i would end up needing to use.
Either way, I'll be happy I did it.
I'll remember that there's more to 'everything' than just me;
I think about existing;
what it's good for,
what I'm good for;
what 'things' are good for.

But when I'm out, wandering, letting things just happen, I tend to forget about myself, and for a moment I feel free from my greatest liability.
Me.
However when I come back, all the stuff that was there before is still there; except it looks different, all while looking the same.
It's what I would imagine we take vacations for. Real vacations, where we are free from our otherwise 'normal' lives; not the kind where we are preoccupied about said vacation.




which is where my past comes into play.
For a long time I was very intent on leaving myself, and from time to time it would exist, albeit with harm done to myself, and at times to others.
Art is a tough word to define, as is magic.
As a child I wouldn't call things magic, yet the world was a magic place. Growing older, however, my outlook became darker and more bleak.
For a while, I hated myself, and everybody else.
All that would calm me was the absence of both.
The latter being somewhat easier to achieve simply by being alone.
The former by various means of self-destruction.


In Alchemy, the idea of the Dark Night of the Soul exists, wherein the individual seeking to find the Philosopher's Stone; the Alchemical Gold through first overcoming a certain "Death" of the self. Alchemists not only physically manipulated the materials with which they worked; they worked also on themselves so as to become one with the "Great Work".

Many cultures go through rites which bring them from childhood to adulthood, and from adulthood into their waning years of life; a 'retirement' of sorts. Here, individuals know their place in life and society. Many of these rituals involve a form of extreme discomfort be it physical, mental or both.
Such a thing exists not in 'western' culture (which might explain a few things); it also helps explain where I am now.
I feel as though I have gone through simply a 'twilight' of the soul. I've faced myself, and the world, to an extent.